How do you heal from people pleasing?
According to the Cambridge Dictionary, a people pleaser is described as someone who cares a lot about whether other people like them and always want other people to approve of their actions. Individuals may develop people pleasing syndrome as a result of being criticised in early childhood and by subconsciously turning the criticism into self-blame. The people pleaser believes that they were at fault and try to find a way to compensate for their so called ‘behaviour’ by working harder for the other person, or by finding ways to pacify the other person. A people pleaser may feel that they are responsible for making the ‘other’ person happy — even if it means sacrificing their own personal wants and needs.
What people pleasers fail to recognise is that the people they try to please, are manipulators. Yes I said it. The manipulator is sleek, crafty and clever and knows the soft spots and weakness of the people pleaser. These manipulators know wish button to press to get the people pleaser pandering to their every need. The manipulator will use the number one trick in the book, which is guilt. They are experts in knowing how to guilt trip the people pleaser.
What do you do if you recognise that you have people pleasing syndrome?
- Recognise the Manipulator for who they are and don’t fall into their trap of feeling guilty or ashamed, when you are criticized. The problem is with the Manipulator and not with you.
- Establish healthy boundaries. Is there a way for you to distance yourself emotionally or physically from the manipulator? i.e. so that they have restricted access to you? can you restrict calls?
- Ask yourself what are you seeking to achieve by pleasing the other person? Is it a lack of confidence? or do you feel the need to be validated by others? You may wish to journal this.
- Remember that you are not responsible for making a person feel a certain way.
- No matter how bad an individual makes you feel, step back from pandering to their needs. You have strength inside of you. Remember that you are valued and worthy. You are enough.
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